Gremlins

A Christmas-ish Classic

Three rules:

• Keep him away from light, especially sunlight because it will kill him.

• Don’t get him wet.

• “But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, NEVER feed him after midnight.”

What a simple, but brilliant, concept for a movie.

Yes, we’re talking about Gremlins today. This 1984 film was written by Chris Columbus, directed by Joe Dante, and produced by Steven Spielberg’s Amblin Entertainment. Gremlins is a Top Three Christmas-ish Movie (behind Batman Returns and Die Hard).

Both Gremlins, and it’s sequel, were mainstays of my adolescence. Gizmo, the little Mogwai from China, captured the hearts of millions in the 1980’s and 90’s and the evil metamorphosed Gremlins were both scary and funny. The cultural impact of Gremlins is strong, but just how strong?

• The incredibly hilarious and famous Key & Peele sketch about the Gremlins 2 writing room.

• Warner Bros. Movie World in Germany and Australia had a ride called Gremlins Invasion , starring Sandra Bullock.

• We’re possibly getting a Gremlins 3 in 2027? Not sure we need that sequel, but I can’t mention the Key & Peele sketch and not say, “Why the hell not?”

• Last, and I cannot believe I’m typing this….my quick research led me to a couple of non-canonical fan-made Gremlins sequels - Gremlins 3: Dawn of Desmond and Gremlins: Recall.

Even my seven-year old son loves Gremlins. I wouldn’t be surprised if he grew up to be a comic book writer or a movie effects guy. He’s obsessed with monsters like Godzilla, cryptids, the Universal Studios monsters, and of course the Gremlins. So last night, we went to the local independent theater to see Gremlins on the big screen. By the looks of it, he was one of two kids in the theater and the youngest. It goes without saying that these two boys are being raised right and have bright futures. The theater was at least 3/4 full and the entire crowd was excited to spend a couple hours with this film. We had a blast and this experience is the impetus for why I am writing about Gremlins today. There are a few aspects of the movie that stood out to me that I want to highlight…

The Small Town

Gremlins takes place in the quaint town of Kingston Falls, Pennsylvania. You really notice Spielberg’s thumbprint on this film in the first 15 minutes of the movie, and it’s most evident when the town is introduced to the viewers. No one does a small town on film better than Steven Spielberg.

Our morning in Kingston Falls is awakened by Rockin’ Ricky Rialto on the radio. Kids are playing in the snow before school and the local sheriff is trying to cut a deal for a free Christmas tree. Kingston Falls is a peaceful town, a place where everybody knows everybody. They look out for their neighbor and open their arms to any visitors that make their way into town.

This is when we meet our main protagonist, Billy Peltzer. Billy is a kid in his twenties and a very talented cartoonist. Billy’s a hopefully and aspirational young mean, despite having to grind as a bank teller and handle transactions for a rude customer, Mrs. Deagle, that wants to murder his dog. Little does Billy know that his life will soon be changed forever by a Christmas gift given to him by his father.

Mr. Peltzer’s Arrogance & Mrs. Peltzer Goes “John Wick”

Imagine a man walks into your place of work and he introduces himself, “Rand Peltzer, Fantastic ideas for a Fantastic World, I make the illogical logical.”

This is the man that brings the little Mogwai to Kingston Falls to give to his son. He also provides some narration to the film at the beginning at the end. He purchases Gizmo from a shop in Chinatown, New York City. Peltzer means well. He’s a good guy that loves his family. He’s out there doing his best to sell his faulty inventions to the world. The Bathroom Buddy, the Smokeless Ashtray, the Peltzer Peeler Juicer…all of them spell disaster for those that use them but you at least have to give Mr. Peltzer some credit for creativity and effort.

I am very sincere in saying that he’s an overall good guy. Here’s the problem though, his arrogance and aloofness lead to the central problem of the movie. Though he pays for Gizmo, he kind of steals him at the same time because the owner of the shop refuses to sell Gizmo and it’s his grandson that strikes the deal behind his back. Peltzer tells the three Mogwai rules to Billy, but he acts like they are more of loose guidelines. His worst inclination happens after Gizmo gets wet and pops out five evil Mogwai. Rand Peltzer gets dollar signs in his eyes. His big idea is to mass-produce Mogwai so every kid in America can have one as a pet. Imagine the mass hysteria leading to apocalypse if every household America got their own Gremlin. America got lucky that Rand had to go out of town before carrying out this foolish idea.

Side note: We absolutely cannot ignore Steven Spielberg’s quick cameo at the inventor’s convention that Peltzer attends.

I do want to talk about Mrs. Peltzer for a second. Billy’s mom has the best action scene of the entire movie. She kills three Gremlins in her kitchen and a cheap shot in the living room keeps her from killing five. In fact, take away the movie theater explosion, and no one has a higher kill count in this movie than Mrs. Peltzer. She’s the John Wick of the Gremlins franchise. Gremlins tremble at the sound of her name.

Gizmo

Do you guys remember Furby-Mania of the late-1990’s/early-2000’s? They released a Gizmo Furby and I begged my parents to get it. No matter how cool the toy was, it could never truly fill the void left by Gizmo being fictional. Gizmo’s so cool, man. It’s just one of those things that’s a feeling. You can’t quite explain why you love the little guy. Maybe it’s because he’s so cute or has a good heart. That’s probably it. If I could have Gizmo and Wicket the Ewok in my life, I would always be happy.

But we should probably address how Billy ALMOST ruined Gizmo forever. He accidentally feeds the five evil Mogwai after midnight after they break his alarm clock. He offers Gizmo a piece of fried chicken that he refuses. THANK GOD GIZMO REFUSED THE FRIED CHICKEN. Otherwise our hero would have been turned into a monster and all of the happiness that Gizmo gives the world would be destroyed by a careless mistake.

Hating Christmas

Talk about a depressing as shit story. There were a few people in the theater that broke out in laughter because of how absurd this scene is. I see what the writers were doing by trying to make a point that the holidays can be a very sad time for people. Your dad died because he dressed up like Santa and broke his neck while going down the chimney….

….I don’t mean to be a jerk, but was Dad hammered when he thought this was a good idea?

The Gremlins

“So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz or your washing machine blows up or your video recorder conks out; before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds, ‘cause you never can tell --there just might be a Gremlin in your house…” This is how Mr. Peltzer bids us adieu at the end of the movie. What a creative way to take our everyday household problems and ingratiate them with this horror fantasy. Imagine that it is in the heat of summer, 99 degrees and heavy humidity. You wake up and the air conditioning isn’t working so you call the local HVAC guy. He takes a look at the unit and the wires are pulled. That explains why the system isn’t working. He fixes it and comes inside to test the thermostat. However, hears some banging and scuttling in the vent so gets out his screwdriver to open it up. ALL OF A SUDDENLY A GREMLIN JUMPS OUT AND RIPS HIS FACE OPEN!!!!

Gremlins are sickos. They are little monsters that are disgusting and obnoxious, but you can’t help but love them. You don’t love them as much as Gizmo, but they’re fun. Gizmo represents stability and peace. Gremlins represent chaos and violence. They are like that guy at the bar that buys a round of shots for everyone…..and another round….and another round….and another round. Next thing you know, he’s throwing stuff and flipping over stools and cussing out the bartender. The good time turns into an embarrassing time. That’s what I imagine it would be like hanging out with a Gremlin. Oh hey, here’s the bar scene right here. Such a fun scene. I was dying of laughter in the theater when it came on. Classic.

I can’t get over the puppetry of the Gremlins. Just that Gif from above of the Gremlin hearing Mrs. Peltzer in the kitchen and turning his head. That is movie making as an art form. It is something we have lost with CGI. Nothing beats the magic of practical effects.

I’ll end here with an unanswerable question and another classic scene from the movie…

So it’s Christmastime and the Gremlins are walking through the snow. Shouldn’t the moisture from the snow cause them to reproduce? That would have spelled doom for Kingston Falls, but it’s something I think about whenever I watch the movie.

Alright, here’s your last scene. The one in the movie theater. Not much commentary to be said. It’s just so good.

My fellow Gremlins and Gizmos, thanks for reading! I’m hoping to publish at least one or two more pieces over the next week, but just in case I don’t get to it: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!